Ebenezer awoke from his slumber and made for the window flinging it wide open. Outside in the dark he spied some fellow citizens apparently doing a good deed.
“You the hooded fellows in Santa outfits kindly fixing the wheels on my neighbours Mercedes, what day is it?” Cried the carefree benefactor. Born again Ebenezer was startled by the ‘innits` and expletives as the fellows made for the shadows. Not to be defeated he ran downstairs in nought but his bed shirt and long johns and made off down Steep Hill like a banker with a bonus, towards Sincil Bank. Pausing at Ritz`s he asked the question again. Glad tidings it was still Christmas Eve, though many appeared far more interested in questioning his sanity and parenthood on the paternal side.
“And what of the Imps are they still at Sincil Bank he asked more in hope than expectation.”
“Yes no one else will have them, but you`ll have to wait until Boxing Day if you really want to ruin your Christmas.” Replied one affable rogue who appeared to be wearing the majority of a late night meal plus his far from trophy wife on his shoulder. Bless her,it must be a vicars & tarts night, as she appeared to have come in fancy dress as a liquorice allsort, judging by her white Stilettos and St Trinian lower half.
After a long conversation with the police it transpired that the Imps were in fact yet to meet Chesterfield and that they would drop him back to his house in the best interests of their careers and the long-term survival of his wedding tackle. As they dropped him off he gave each of them a crisp brand new £50 note and a bit of advice.
“If I were you I would get down the Bookies and have Lincoln to lose 0-1 on Boxing Day. In fact here`s another £50 on Lincoln to go up via the playoffs.” He added.
Why the cheeky and ungrateful fellows suggested he get inside pronto lest they ‘do him on the grounds of insanity!’ Ebenezer, was stunned for he had even detached the notes from the elastic bands he usually attached to his ‘charitable donation money. Once inside Ebenezer rang his longsuffering second in command Bob Cratchet and told him to have himself, a bible, a witness or two (preferably without them being Jehovah`s who are easy to recognise and come with their own books), a contract Lawyer and his key contacts at Lincoln City FC, plus the owners of at least 4 of the top 20 biggest Lincolnshire businesses; round within the very hour. Yes he knew it was Christmas but this was far bigger than even all his money would buy. Judging by the mood of his wife he had best bring a Christmas wish list from her and his nine season ticket holding under 16 kids with him. Oh yes Santa was really in town and he was wearing Sincil tinsel this year.
They made the calls fixed the price and had the offer in place within 3 hours with faxes being exchanged and funds being wired, before Ebenezer broke off and made good his word to Bob. He would have a beauty crew round for 8.30 for the wife and Caterers to go round and bring and do the dinner. He rang his friend at Hamleys in London who would have the presents sent by helicopter to meet them at Bobs by 7 a.m. But alas they had run out of cowboy outfits for Tiny Tim. Fear not for Father Christmas Ebenezer and his newfound sense of humour would not be beaten. He got him a teddy bear, an Xbox 360 and a thousand shares in the Imps. The Cowboy outfit phase would soon wear off.
After making Christmas come true at the Cratchets, Ebenezer handed over his cash at the Stacey West turnstiles. In his pocket he had a prepared speech that he would make at half time. Sure enough the Imps were one down at half time and to say the crowd was restless was an understatement. Well this was going to be the best 10 minutes half time entertainment anyone had ever seen.
Onto the pitch he strode holding aloft a fist full of contracts. Not a single person disappeared downstairs for a prawn. He laid out who he was why we should have him and what he planned to do. The club had cost him two million plus he would put a million into the transfer kitty for January. Four other directors and he would pledge to put money in for 5 years. Directors could sign up for 5 years at a cost of £100,000 per year in sponsorship to their companies. As soon as they heard this other fellows duly walked onto the pitch to a standing ovation and offered to also join his dream. The fans would still have their say though they too would have to find some money – fifty thousand per year for their two places.
The whole stadium cheered including the players who had come out to see what all the fuss was about. Ebenezer finished by offering them a thousand a man if they could beat the Spireites as the referee shooed him off the pitch. We would do so with a one way second half attacking display towards the Passionistas as Jamie Clarke touched home, Janos got a towering header and Facey came good with a brace. The Imps would then win at Darlo 2-0 , Bolton 1-0, beat Accy 2-0 in front of 6,000 fans and then lose bravely away at Old Trafford 1-0 in front 76,000 and a televised payday. The squad would be strengthened and the Imps would go up automatically as they lose only twice and draw 3 with every home game attracting between six and a half and nine thousand fans. The fantastic run nets 63 points as the Imps finish their 125th year in style on 82 points. When the Imps played their first game in the championship in 2012/13 a splendid 7,800 seater two tier stand was unveiled. Having retained his now renowned sense of humour the modest Ebenezer called it the less than scrooged Subbuteo Stand.
As for Ebenezer he would live happily ever after and have thousands at his funeral with all the wreaths reading
HERE LIES
AMBITION IMP
Que Sera Sera whatever CAN be WILL be.
Happy Christmas and keep the faith everyone
Neil
UTI
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